I always have insecurity and low self esteem when it comes to guys. This is probably my only insecurity I have. The only time I have low self esteem is when I think about my relationships with guys. My “love life” is non-existent. I have had no experience with guys. Never been kissed, never been asked out, never been flirted on. Nothing. I have had a couple crushes. My first one bullied me and broke my heart over and over again. The couple others, I’ve been friend-zoned by. Now my current one is dating my BFF.
I’m not someone who needs attention from guys. I have a few guy friends and sometimes that’s all I need. But sometimes it would be nice to be loved by someone. I want to know what it’s like to be loved, to be touched by a guy. And vice versa.
To be honest, valentines day is hard for me. It’s a day where I unintentionally feel depressed about all this bullshit. Where my feelings of insecurity is 10x stronger. It’s like a big slap in the face. I know “singles being depressed” sounds cliche. But there is a deeper reason why this day depresses me. This day isn’t easy at all.
Fortunately, I am loved by many other people in my life. Friends, guy friends, family, lovatics etc. The love from friends is the same as love from a boyfriend, without sexual bullshit. Hugs are the best. I get cuddles too. Staying up all night, cuddling and talking to a friend is the best feeling. Knowing it won’t end in heartbreak is an even better feeling. Friend make me forget all about boyfriends. I don’t need a boyfriend to love me. I already feel loved by all of my friends.
Does this make me feel better about Saturday? Well to be honest, no.
But that’s ok. Like I said in my previous post, its okay not to be okay. I’m not going to feel guilty about not feeling okay.
I just want to tell all of you who are in my position to stay strong. Do something fun. Hang out with one of your single friends, or watch rom coms by yourself, in sweats, while eating chocolate. Just remember, you are loved by someone. Love doesn’t have to come from a boyfriend/girlfriend for it to be significant on Valentines day.
Love you and stay strong lovelies <3