To me, suicidal thoughts and suicidal idealization are two different things. Idealization is where I feel like it’s my only ideal option. Thoughts are just thoughts that pass through every now and then but I still feel like there’s hope.
Those who have read my story know that I have been to the ER three times because I was struggling with suicidal idealization. Suicidal thoughts came and left much more often and still will when I’m depressed.
My first trip to the ER was September 2014. I had gone to my best friend’s house after a party at the pub at my college. Even though I was still drunk, I remember it so clearly. I remember being in her kitchen, anxiously looking for something to hurt myself with. She grabbed my hand and shouted stop. I expressed my thoughts and she called 911. Ambulance came and took us both to the ER. She stayed with me until 5 am, even though she had class in the morning. I was let go at 7 pm that evening. With basically no help or plan.
I went again in December of that year but I’m skipping that story because of, reasons.
My last trip to the ER was last July (2015). My counsellor said I needed to go. After a long conversation and a lot convincing, she didn’t call 911. Instead she trusted me enough to let me go on my own when my best friend got off work. A few hours later, we were on the way to the hospital. We actually got sent to the mental health unit straight away. We got locked in a tiny, cold room with only a mattress and very thin blanket. We waited and waited. She held me, talked to me, stroked my hair almost the whole 8 hours she waited with me. After she left, someone came and talked to me. They told me there was a good chance I was staying for a 72 hour observation. No way! So I left.
The thought of staying scared me. I knew deep down I didn’t belong there. That room scared me. I just couldn’t. I got ordered to go to my best friend’s house because I was safe there.
But honestly the whole 8 hours of her talking and holding me made me think. I didn’t want to die because that would mean leaving her. The thought of never being able to touch or talk to her again hurt me way too much. It would also mean leaving everything else I loved about life.
Initially, my best friend saved my life. But when I returned to so-called “normal” life, I saved myself. I did everything I had to do to make myself better. I took medications, focused on school, went to counselling as much as possible, and did some self-care. It wasn’t easy but I did it. I’m so happy I did. This past year has been amazing and I have hope for the future.
I kept living because…
I have goals, dreams, things I still want to accomplish.
Today is just a bad day, tomorrow might be better.
I’m an advocate. I help people using my knowledge and experiences.
I’m not ready to leave my friends. Our talks, fun times, hugs/cuddles.
My friends need me as much as I need them.
I am strong. I’m not alone.
I love life.
My story isn’t over yet.
If you or someone you love is struggling, please visit the links below for more information on suicide and prevention.
If you or a loved one is in a crisis, please call 911 or a local distress line.
You’re not alone. Someone will be there to help you.
Stay strong <3