I don’t regret much. I believe in the saying “Everything happens for a reason.” There’s a reason behind every stupid mistake. There’s a reason why something didn’t work out. There’s a reason. Whether the reason is just to teach a lesson or faith preventing a bad outcome. However, there is just one thing I regret. It happened when I was in high school.
In high school, I got my first crush. It was a quite confusing thing for me. I was obviously attracted to him and I wanted his attention, but I didn’t know how to act. I didn’t know what was reasonable and what was too much. I didn’t know the difference between liking someone and being “obsessed” with someone.
Basically what happened was I ended up like becoming annoying and obsessive. I did things like talk to him and about him everyday, bug him to hang out with me, lecture him, freak out and overreact if he said something I didn’t like, overanalyze/overthink his behaviours.
I did all that and more. I did not know where to stop. You’re probably thinking, “oh that’s every teenager.” I went over and beyond the norm. People started to think I was crazy.
On top of that, he and his friends were bullies. They were mean to me. But like, that didn’t matter to me. I still liked him. I was still going to talk to him like he was the best guy out there. I don’t know why him telling me he hated me didn’t change my mind about him or made me even think twice. I liked a guy who hated me/found me annoying and I STILL did all this obsessive stuff. Still bugged him to hang out, still lectured him, still overanalyzed, still wrote sweet messages to him.
I haven’t talked to him in two years. The fact that he was rude to me, and I allowed it by continuing to act the way I was acting, finally sunk in. I finally realized I can’t force someone to be friends with me if they clearly have no intention to be my friend. After 3 years of this, one day, I just said to myself “What the f*** am I doing?”
I have had bad after effects because of this.
1. The whole thing just haunted me. I spent a lot of time hating myself after because I was stupid. Also, because I didn’t pay much attention to the bullying while it was happening, I started to think about all of the things that were said to me and I got really depressed.
2. I got scared of guys. I started to get extremely cautious and paranoid. I had a lot of insecurity. I sometimes thought that they thought of me in the worst way possible. For the longest time, I wouldn’t talk to any or be around them. If my friends brought one around at school, I would either walk away or bury my head into my friend’s chest or something. I’m still like this sometimes, I still question their intentions, but I’ve gotten a lot better the past few months.
What exactly do I regret? I regret the way I acted. How unreasonable I acted. How obsessive I was. How I lectured him. How many times I bugged him to hang out with me. He was a bully so what the hell was I thinking? I feel bad about it. In a way, I also feel sorry for him. I don’t like what I look at when I look back at me during those days. As bad as this may sound, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be my friend.
I’m not taking the blame for how much he hurt me because that’s his fault. He hurt me badly. I’ll never be able to forget it. Nothing that I did gave him the right to be so rude to me.
But I’m owning up to what I’m responsible for.
If you’re wondering how I am now, i’m fine, i’m over it, i’ve moved on.
And yes, I’m fully aware that a few people that may read this will know exactly who I’m talking about and may even know him personally, but I don’t care. They can think and do whatever they want. This is MY blog.
1. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
2. Do you have regrets? What’s something you can do to get over it?